Choosing to Believe
Mike’s procedure went well today and we’re so thankful for that! We still don’t have any clear word on why the mass seems to have grown. Our local oncologist is waiting for notes from the specialist Mike saw last week.
When It’s Hard to Trust God
Things are weird right now, and quite confusing. Life makes no sense. But that’s not unique to us. I’m sure many of you have circumstances in your own lives that make little sense. It doesn’t have to be a health trial to knock the wind out of you. We all face something. Finances, relationships, vocation, and health, just to name a few, are common experiences to humanity. Because we are facing health struggles, that is what I know and that is what I’ll speak to. But please let the following encouragement meet you in your own difficulty and fill in the dark spaces.
We don’t yet know if Mike has healed or relapsed, but it certainly looks like a relapse. That doesn’t mean it is, though. I chose to write this in the in-between moment because I need to remind myself to trust God in the in-between. After all, all of life is lived in the in-between. As humans, we exist between birth and death. Each of us is finite. We had a definite beginning and there is a 100% chance that we will have a definite end on this earth. For Christians, this in-between space is often referred to theologically as the already and not yet. That means, Christ’s glorious kingdom has broken through our reality and we get to experience little tastes of it along our earthly journey—the already—but we won’t fully experience the completed kingdom of God until the new heavens and earth have come—the not yet. I won’t get into the theological details of that moment here because that’s not what this journal exists to explore. (Maybe in future writings on another page when my mind is less scrambled!)
I’m afraid, frankly. I know Mike is, too, even though his faith is stronger than mine when it comes to his health. I’m asking God every moment to spare my husband, to help him not just survive cancer, but thrive in the years to come. I beg God to meet our emotional and spiritual needs, and I trust that he will continue to meet our financial needs. Mostly, I ask him to help! Like I’ve said in previous updates, “Lord, help!” is the most I can get out many days. He knows our needs. I don’t need to list them for his benefit. I find it’s best to let him decide how to help anyway because he knows what’s best.
In-Between Living
But, how do we live in the in-between? It’s often grueling and depressing in those in-between moments. It’s harrowing to face setback after setback and get up again to wait for another gut punch. I’ve found the following simple acts of faith to be comforting and strengthening:
Simple, small prayers (like “Lord, help!). We so often think our prayers need to be verbose and sound perfectly spiritual to be effective. Not so. Simplicity is the sweetest offering to the Lord. He is listening attentively. Don’t think you have to speak perfectly to him. Start with “Lord, help!”, and then stay quiet for a minute in his presence. The Spirit will meet in you in the quiet space and either help you put voice to your heart’s prayers, or receive your silent prayers and translate them for your ultimate good. Submitted silence is a prayer in and of itself.
Reading—just reading—Scripture. (Audio Bibles count!) Anyone who knows me well, knows I like to study Scripture and dig deep into the vast treasures it holds. But during these hard days, I’m often not near my desk with all my study tools, and even if I were, I don’t think I’d have the mental strength to concentrate enough to dig deep. So I simply read. I write small prayers in my margins or underline/highlight verses and passages that are meaningful, but that’s the extent of my engagement with the Scripture. I read and reflect. It’s helped so much.
Sharing my burdens with a small handful of trusted friends. Burdens get heavy. God gave us other people to help carry the load. Use them. They want to help. You know the ones to call on. The ones that make you feel better after time spent with them. The ones that listen without judgment and pray without ceasing. The ones that point you to Christ when your despair has clouded your vision and you can’t see past your pain. Share your burdens with them. I know they’ll be happy to lighten your load for you.
Listening to praise music. Loudly. And singing along. Praise music might not be your preference. Maybe you prefer hymns. Or maybe you like the movement and style of instrumental classical music and that causes you to worship God for the beauty it contains. Whatever music points you to Christ and reminds you to look up instead of looking in or around, put it on and turn it up. Get in your car and sing, dance, and make all the other drivers think you’re nuts. Who cares? You can be weird for Jesus and he delights in your weirdness! I created a Spotify Playlist called Help My Unbelief. I included the player below if you want to listen along. I’ll probably add to it as I find others that fit the theme.
These aren’t groundbreaking suggestions. You’ve probably heard them before. But I need reminders to get back to basics every now and then, and you probably do, too.
What If?
I have no idea what the answers will be about Mike. I’m still believing that our mighty God who is great in power, compassion, and mercy has heard our cries for Mike’s health to be restored and will do it. I’m trusting him that if Mike has relapsed, this is a delay of future healing in the land of the living. I could tell countless stories of relationships we have built with medical staff and other patients along the way. Perhaps we’re not done building those relationships. And I have no doubt God will be working in us as he has done all along. This world can’t satisfy us like Christ does. We needed that reminder. Maybe we haven’t learned the lesson yet. I have no idea.
But this I can say for sure. God is glorious. Christ is risen. And God loves us more than we can fathom. I’m choosing to rest in those truths moment by moment. I fail miserably at times, but God doesn’t mind. He knew he wasn’t getting much when he called me to himself. Praise God, my security in Christ isn’t dependent on my behavior! I’m so glad Christ is enough when I’m not, aren’t you?
